Motion - new pathways - air -sea -land -us

[Appleblossom]

@tonys 

"they  can take the scenic route around me.   Which  fortunately for them, most  are.   "

Yes I can agree to that.  Maybe your turn of phrase has evolved and added up to the whole soul of you, which has a lot of wisdom and humour.

The Starkers story at the shed ... is hilarious.  TMI but knowing the whole of you better I get it.

I once started off to school with my school uniform inside out and did not realise it til I was about 50 yards from my door and and had to run back and reverse it.

Hearing you about distinguishing between nice talk, that is professional, and part of their job.  Also hearing you about trying to prewarn people, and NOT wanting to get praise or compliments, but a preference for people being genuine.  Seeing your kindness which is at the core of you.

I have had to sift the wheat from the chaff between the difference between professional talk and genuine friendship too ... Like @StanD (hey mate) having lots of state and social worker type intervention at an early age has consequences.  I have made the mistake socially that people might be a friend as an adult, who were social workers or psychologists, as I had earned a similar education and thought we were equals, but once they hear any of my story, the walls go up and the judgments skip in.  Its too much for me, even if I am very careful and share myself in small delicate bits.  Now I am a bit jaded about it and am sick of sugar coating things for over-privileged people.  I certainly do not presume they are nice understanding people, cos now I am very conscious that it is just what they are paid for, and they often sift off social kudos as well. Older and wiser.

Being a teacher, I am wired for supportive comments, but my 'teaching' started at 6 in an orphanage helping others with their reading.

I am learning to use my BS filter only late in life ... some things I was precocious with, with others I am a VERY SLOW learner.

[StanD]

Good Sophia

Really Good.

@Sophia1 

[tonys]

hello @Appleblossom   How is your day.   Well that was the best kite you have sent me.

I gave you a blob of soggy blotting paper and you ironed into something airworthy.

It took me 30 min this morning  to find out that a nail technician is not the carpenter that my house so desperately needs to wed.   Anyway a social support worker talked me into lunch at the bistro.

I squeezed my truck into a park,  one foot on the pavement and the other a little to close maybe to the 4wd limo in front.

I should have first said that in the interest of debate with my poor suport worker I deliberately left a large red comb firmly imbedded in my large mop of black hair.  Showered and dressed there I am at the bay-marie red  comb indiscreetly left of my nose.

Lady with the slop ladle looked straight at me.  Poker face.  Bill  Murry look alike.

Lady behind me in que safe distant sniffing like I smelled bad.  Even I could tell It was Mr soggy jocks standing right behind her.

I took a double scoop of cream of compliment because of the useful critique and suggestion sauce.  

Then the compliment,  ala sweet syrup mash.  The cook had not remembered my personal dietary need. But a well intentioned and welcome scoop nun the less.

The the stew of sob story.  It would be wonderful if blended with a message of recovery,  or it laughed at itself,  or showed how It was trying to unbog itself out of last years recycled gravy.

Now my care worker tells me to take a scoop. Be kind to the cooks feelings so I do,  and I can live on this for a few months I recon,  till It a malignancy starts to grow.  I'm not trained or brained to deal with this tucker for long.

Then theres the fish.  .  . the crunchy batter always sucks me in,   but Its compliment of carp.

A fish dished up to tell me that I'm smart.   Smart enough to eat all the other dishes people serve, . . . with more appropriate manners.    Its not the cooks fault.   They just don't know me from a distance,       should they be serving. . ?    Should I  be  eating.  .  .? 

Any way back out to the car.  Poor guy parked in front waits for me to move and I go to his window to give him the best apology I can muster and a home made red that I had in the truck.

Poor kid in the back sees me,  starts crying.   drivers sees me,  window goes up real  fast.

and the local cop. . .    she just always assumes  I  could never afford to pay any fines,   told me that once. . .      Me .  .  .  I would much prefer pay the fine.  .  .  .  I could learn from that.

But I did take 20 bucks of the social care worker,  cause  not one word about the red comb...!

You never did tell me how your friend is,  and your garden.

@Former-Member   @Sophia1   I hope you can sea a funny side of this too

very best  wishes,   Now I can remove  my tongue from my cheek     tonys   mb 1

[Appleblossom]

@tonys Receiving your last letter is wonderful for me. Thank you very much.

I cannot remember which friend you asked about or what context.

Tbh I am majorly triggered atm and doing all I can to keep calm; which is double doses of garden and Beethoven.  I have to go out tonight and I am a bit delicate so I will need to take a prn, but heartened by my shrinks last session where he said 2 of the issues I mentioned were normal.  I do not talk a lot in his sessions just answer his questions directly.  He runs that show.

Your post and a conversation and which was very general but deeply relevant and intelligent and thoughtful that I had with a young man new neighbour is helping me come to ground.  Weird how the universe can balance things ... sometimes ... only sometimes.

I might take a little holiday from Sane for a day or 2.  

Cheers all on this thread and take care ...

Apple

[tonys]

@Appleblossom     thankyou mate.  Thin ice.  You skate  eloquently . Time spent with you health care worker,  at times endured onerously   Time for yourself.   Please spend generously.      

So few flakes fall from you that it will take time to piece them all together for an image.

But I'm very grateful for these last couple of exchanges.

Hope you will write again upon your return and a deserved rest.   Best wishes tonys  

[StanD]

@Appleblossom hey mate, I laughed at @tonys joke too. Very funny. Fortunate. Lots of thought n there.

I hear you about the walls Miss A. I like to be there for everyone. I know I judge people too. And I see why it feels like I'm being judged. Intellectually I know. Bad habits. Survival.

I I'm currently sitting in my car. The gentle summer rain is prettiest on the metal roof. Humid here today. Waiting on my friend. The rain is putting me to sleep. I'll give it a few more minutes & if he's not here, I guess he's busy tonight.

Catching up on reading while I wait. It's quite & calming.

[StanD]

Hello @Appleblossom  miss apple

I'm still behind on reading & replying. I read you were feeling triggered yesterday. How are you?

I'm feeling triggered today.

I read @tonys @ latest post. I laughed lots at one bit. I have no idea why it was funny

I feel so inept. These stories, I know they have rational interpretations... my conscious mind doesn't understand at all. I wish I understood, like you seem to do. Most of life makes me feel like I'm living in a world where everyone speaks a different language. I try so desperately to be a part 'of the crew', & understand. I don't know the language. I know you & he, maybe everyone, does understand. It makes me feel stupid, & less.

Paranoid. Not in charge.

I think when this thread first started @Former-Member @ , I felt  overjoyed & welcomed - a new beginning with others who got me & I could stand with.

@EternalFlower @ you have stood by me. There have been the least questioning between you & me. I am still wary of you tho. I don't mean that at all in an offensive way. You have made me feel extremely supported. I bond with you in the trauma & the softness we crave & appreciate.

I don't know how others feel. I feel a distance, always, with other people. I get moments, I don't get....motion...the tracks change. I find I need to readjust constantly. I don't know if I like that. It's both easy & hard. I question where I stand. I lose my sense of me. I like this, & I don't.

Yes, I feel like this beautiful book, has entered a chapter, I have read too many times before. It's not what I wanted this story to be. 

I can't understand the language, the messages, the inferences, the motives, the changes in direction.

I can understand me, where I am happiest, supported, in control. 

I live in Alaska. I am entirely self reliant, self sufficient, self assured.. knowledge of the earth, universe, nature & my position.

The secret is ... I love being small. Feeling looked after, rescued, wanted, scooped up & held, kept safe forever, as though I could be the the small child, never scared, anxious, questioning, ALWAYS protected.

I'm not a child. I'm an adult. I want to be heard, opinions respected. Don't talk over me. Don't confuse me. I am my own person. I don't need you to rescue me....

Sorry, my mind kind of wandered there. I know you mentioned you were busy with life @Former-Member  & needed to step away. I need to re read your recent reply. Unlike tonys , the worlds greatest magician & poet , I can actually understand your communication style @motion.

I love you for who you are tonys and you remind me magic is real...or a breadcrumb. I'm simply not at your level of intelligence, to comprehend what the heck you are on about!!! Why did you have a red comb in your hair for debate? Why did you take $20 from her for not mentioning. It sounds like a stupid story to me!! Haha - zero offence, my brain.

Anyway, why do i have to say 'no offense?

I can't say if I'm not being insulted, if I don't understand the language.

Besides, I kind of don't think I am being insulted...although? 

I hope we can get this thread, chapter back to to the vibe I got when I opened& began reading the first page.

I hope we can get this thread, chapter back to to the vibe I got when I opened& began reading the first page.

I don't want to feel triggered. I don't want others to have to repeatedly go thru this. 

I want to have your backs, & you have mine. All feel included, welcomed, safe to speak our minds, roses & broken glass whit out judgement. Hopefully, we will all be so happy & home,    stories of broken hearts & broken homes, triggers, & doubt... Who cares?!

PS. @yes tonys this took me over an hour to write - maybe 2. It will be read in less than 30 secs. We write because we need, want, choose to write. 

That's All.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @StanD I'm sad a bit that there is wariness and I hope I have done nothing wrong.

But I am also grateful for your honesty and know I can take it.

I have been taking a little step back because I was trying to feel safest and find my space or nook here. I share a little sometimes but truth is I have pretty severe PTSD and dark l, overwhelming issues with life. I don't fit and can't fit and can't trust.

I have little wins but then overwhelming losses.

It feels nice to write here because of the honesty and that people try to sort of see the best in each other. I'm laughing because mh services claim to do this for us but they don't. It's sub human and abusive... I remain small there.

Sending peace for your day, you're doing well here and making connections . Keeping this space and vibe healthy, setting the tone, leading people.

[tonys]

@StanD     Hi stan.   I got the letter you sent to @Appleblossom    In my mail box.  Not sure you realized you tagged me and I wanted to be sure that someone is replying to you.  I hope you are managing.    I'm not up with the latest.  I have only just finished a very long hard day in the on the the farm.  As I read It,   @Appleblossom  is on holidays,  and  @Former-Member   is having a much needed break.   But I know they all care about you and even the finest yachts need drydock now and then.

As for the letter I sent @Appleblossom,   There is no great mystery to it.

Just a play on words.   I was trying to illustrate that people are hardwired to be polite rather than give us the much needed advice.   Eg  people tell my book keeper how she looks like she has lost weight when I know for a fact that she has put on 12 kgs since she moved in before Christmas.  She is pouring out of her too tight dresses much to my delight,  I love it big time. . .   but she has stacked it on.   and i tell her.

So the red comb stuck in my hair,  hanging down over my face was an attempt to provoke a response and win a bet with my support worker when it failed too.    

Now stan D  . .  please dont worry,  over think,  or let my mischief,  get into your head.   Have you seen the thread called "Friday feast"   I think there are some down to earth guys,  you may get on well with,  and when things are quiet I check out new people that are just  joining.

You have a lot to offer and I often see folks that really need help in the middle of the night.     @Thyme    has  straightened me out help more times than I can remember and always has good advice and welcoming arms. .

So   don't worry about your boat.   sailors run amuck when they get shore leave.  They will stagger back soon enough,  pillaging plundering,  and .  .  .  .   raging.

Finally if you see one of my post and you are not in great shape ,  Please stan,   dont let it in your head my friend.   I  go off meds time to time,  They play my heart up.   and  then I run amuck in the paint store.

Now I have to go,  I'm making the book keeper  a special late dessert.  I'm on a mission to see If I can make a button pop off

@EternalFlower    I hope life is sending you some flowers.   Glad to hear that the alchemist has finally whipped you up a sleep potion.    Lets hope it brings you nice dreams too

Very best wishes to all of you,     tonys    mb  1

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys @Former-Member @Appleblossom @StanD and @Sophia1 

Hope this night is calm and safe ...

Thinking of you all.

Ive taken my new medication ...💤

Still awake but we'll see I guess.

Had a hard time with the hopsital last week..they are so ruthless. So awful , treating us so badly as consumers.

Peer support has suddenly disappeared ....but it's ok....I plod through. U learn to stand on ur own two feet, keep what works, throw away the rest...

I have booked to start EMDR on Friday yay 😊

Hope everyone is ok or good or calm or happy @LeChuck 

Sorry to read about the triggers @Appleblossom you have been through a lot and it's understandable triggers come . Please take care.