Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NatureLover]

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@Appleblossom wrote:

...but I cannot take my resilience for granted, as it can trigger quickly to elaborate SI and has today. 

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Am really sorry to hear this, @Appleblossom . How are you feeling today?

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@Appleblossom wrote:

@NatureLover  Thank you for picking up on my post.  It has taken 30 years. For 15 years, I was an unrecognised carer, just the sister, but I did care.  Not sure what I am doing wrong for it to take so long, but I do feel genuine supports. I have recently gone onto NDIS.

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Wow, 30 years is a long time. I'm glad to hear that you're now on NDIS and have supports in place. It must have been a very hard struggle for most of those 30 years... 😞

[nashy]

Hello @Appleblossom thanks for sharing Navigating such triggers must be pretty hard at times, you're very strong and I always admire your very high degree of self-awareness and authenticity. I hope the self-care was gentle and peaceful. 💜

[nashy]

Hello wonderful humans! @NatureLover @Former-Member @Smc @Zanylady @Shaz51 and others still reading along 🙂

It is our final day of the discussion around ongoing support for carers of loved ones who present in Crisis. We have shared loads of information from our new resource YANA.  We hope that even if you’re not a carer, this is a helpful resource to share to someone in need. One of the really helpful areas of YANA is the tips on how to talk to the person you care about 💜

What strategies have been helpful when chatting to someone who presents in crisis regularly? Are there listening skills, boundaries or tips you have found most useful in supporting yourself and your loved one? 🤔

[NatureLover]

What strategies have been helpful when chatting to someone who presents in crisis regularly? Are there listening skills, boundaries or tips you have found most useful in supporting yourself and your loved one? 🤔

Hi @nashy , it's definitely a helpful resource to share with someone in need.

I have actually found that joking gently with my real life friend who is suicidal helps. If they say they're feeling awful, then I ask what they need, and they name something to help end their life with. Then I say that I don't have one of those, so they'll have to live another day. This makes them smile. But I think that might not work with everyone.

I have also had to set a boundary of not going to the emergency room with them, as they refuse to help themselves in any way. They don't take care of their mental health or physical health, and refuse to see any doctors or take any medication. Then when they have a crisis, it's avoidable. They go to the emergency room, then come home and continue on refusing to look after themselves. Luckily they haven't often had to go to the emergency room. Instead, I encourage them to call an ambulance.

I actually don't know how to help them any more, apart from listening. This has been going on for years. We've had all the difficult conversations about what help is out there, repeatedly. It just annoys them, so I've given up suggesting they get supports in place. So if anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @nashy  I am low, but managing and planning to do writing, garden and physio.

@NatureLover

 

Repeated ED visits take a great toll.

Hearing you about how well handled humour can help. I agree, its tricky.  In another online conversation around singing in choirs and viral transmission this link was posted and it feels relevant and is intended as wry and ironic but not an acceptance of suicidal actions.  Last year I would have never thought that singing in choirs was a risky activity.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHmH9lQZq6I 

[NatureLover]

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@Appleblossom wrote:

Thank you @nashy  I am low, but managing and planning to do writing, garden and physio.

That sounds good, @Appleblossom  🙂

Yes, I can imagine that frequent visits to ED would be hard to cope with. 😞

[Former-Member]

When Mr Darcy was suicidal I had no idea what to do, I just kept encouraging treatment compliance and supported him as best I could but really had no idea of how to handle things. 

I have found it is best for us if I am more "matter of fact" about things saying that chronic conditions like the one he has require regular check ups which can be extended if condition is stable but need to be closer together if there are any changes in symptoms or for the duration of any medication changes. As he does not want to end up in the psych ward again he will do what is necessary to avoid this. I hope that with this approach and with the safety plan we have in place that we can avoid further acute episodes/relapse.

Additionally, once I learnt about things and had a better understanding I made it my business to facilitate lifestyle changes that help us live as well as we can in spite of his condition and help us both cope heaps better with whatever life throws at us.  We are doing well on most fronts, I can't say that Mr D has found something he feels is adequately meaningful to do and I would love for him to find a niche doing some volunteer work.  I also know that even though I feel I am coping a lot better with his cancer diagnosis, I do have some signs of stress and have arranged counseling for this.

[NatureLover]

@Former-Member  It sounds like you've done well in finding the best ways to support Mr Darcy.

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@Former-Member wrote:

Additionally, once I learnt about things and had a better understanding I made it my business to facilitate lifestyle changes that help us live as well as we can in spite of his condition and help us both cope heaps better with whatever life throws at us.  

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This sounds excellent 🙂 It's good also that you've arranged counselling for yourself. It sounds like you've set yourself and Mr Darcy up for the best possible outcomes. 

[NatureLover]

One of the really helpful areas of YANA is the tips on how to talk to the person you care about 💜

Looking at some of the talking points:

Reassure the person that you love and care for them, and don’t want them to die.

I think this is so important, as so often the suicidal person feels that everyone around them would be better off without them. My experience is that they can't 'hear' that you don't want them to die; but I still think it needs to be said anyway, in case a tiny bit trickles through to the person.

Ask what caused them to attempt suicide again.

This is a good point – if you can get to the reasons behind it, it might help to address those reasons one by one.

Have open, honest discussions with them. Tell them if you had noticed anything that had made you worry, like changes in their behaviour or mood. Ask if there is anything you can learn from this.

I like this 'learning' attitude – that we're not coming in saying we have all the answers, especially if we haven't experienced it ourselves. I think there's a lot I can learn from suicidal people...it won't necessarily be the way it was for me. Each person is an individual, and what works for me might not for others.

Discuss what actions or supports might have made a difference, and if there was anything that might have helped avoid their attempt.

More 'learning'. My experience has been, though, that often the person may not know what might help them feel better. Depression seems to create a 'brain fog'. But if the person is willing to tell me, and knows the answer(s), then this is good. Has anyone else experienced this?

If they don't have a safety plan, suggest creating one. Find out how to develop a safety plan at Beyond Now.

The safety plan at Beyond Now looks helpful... I'm even thinking of doing one for myself, in case of future needs.

[Former-Member]

 @NatureLover ,  there will always be challenges given the nature of the disorder, we do what we can to manage them as best we can and seem to have a good system going at present.