Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope, your "baby dragon" and school commitment are almost over (yr12), understand how is can mess with an entire day. My girl disliked school too. "Gluing all the pieces back in place" after a bad start is exhausting, I remember, and keeping those 'goal posts' in place when the foundation are shaky. Proud of you.
// My sons grades plummeted in yr11-12, said he was so sick of school. Guess it didn't help that i fell into deep depression that year when family court ordered me to put my 9yr old at risk of sexual harm (findings by child safety 4yrs earlier) by giving her dad unsupervised contact. That was also the year one of my son's classmates murdered brother, AND their senior maths teacher helped the student dispose of the body. There were bomb threats on the school etc. What a nightmare year that was for this small town. This family all went off to counselling. We just have to get them through it, and ourselves, as best we can. I'm kind of glad those years are over, but the price was too high for me 😔
// All the best for your DAD, hope he continues to recover well, PTL. Times like this I imagine you both miss your mum 🌻
// I do Hope your WH does get a helpful diagnosed and treatment, sooner than later. I agree with susanne that you seem to be making wise decisions in your determination to keep everything together 'till he comes round. And i totally get that the future seems scary for you all, in letting it run it's course, and the need for great faith. I have learned so much about faith & hope from you. And positivity & love 💕

Hi @Former-Member, love your pink flower when it pops up. Good to see you. I too find the 'night shift' thread busy & fast moving, and sometimes a bit shallow or clicky, and i never keep up. I see you have a 10yo -  thats when my girl started distancing from me. My son was a bit later -13. Feel for you. Keep up the hugs 🙂 // Really liked the 'stages of change model' link, thank you, Interesting.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh @Former-Member I really feel for you for all that traumatic time ❣

Yes, that was a horrendous load to place on a small community, as you say, and the reverberations are still happening, obviously.  You are doing a really great job of leaving it here in this generation and not allowing it to roll forward, on your watch at least, by using your faith and positivity to overwrite it with something better ❣

So proud of you .... if it's okay for me to say that to you ❣

Thank you for your empathy with my struggles ...... rather than one traumatic event, there are just oceans of smaller ones, but the over all effect is overwhelming at times.  To some degree we are just treading water where we are, holding our breaths, waiting for the breakthrough we need to be able to take up our life again.  I am so glad we have so much to focus on this year, with the special birthdays and the wedding coming up, because the inertia can creep in if you don't take steps to stop it from happening.

I hear you that this is one of your struggles ......

The forums are helping me keep my focus too, and if something I can say helps someone else, it gives greater meaning to what we are going through, if that makes sense.

Need to head off to sleep shortly.

Take care, my friend 🌷💗💕

[Former-Member]

Don't really see how you think a I'm doing a really great job. I lost my girl on my watch & that $*%=/€ interferred with ger while i was wirking when he couldn't, on my watch. And the offenses i-vw let taunt me

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member

Your girl leaving this life wasn't your fault ..... neither was the fact that $*%=\€ had access to her ..... and as a person of faith you understand that our world wasn't created that way .......

That was then and this is now ...... if we could go back and correct the issues of the past we most certainly would.  If our roles were reversed @Former-Member, it would be me carrying the pain, guilt and heartache that you are, and you trying to console me, trying to get me to release myself from the terrible guilt of feeling responsible for something I had no control over, that happened "on my watch" ......

What you are doing a great job of is trying to move past this, trying to bring some sense into the here and now that says good things still exist in our world.  In honour of your girl you are not going to let evil win over you.  If it was me in your situation, I would want you reaching out to me with healing love and concern, and in fact, you are now, by sharing your empathy for my situation ..... you are being here for me @Former-Member, despite all you have been through, and I am so grateful for that ..... so grateful to know you.

I can't bring your girl back to you, but I can hold her in memory along with you.  I can remember you in my walk of life, and treasure that you are prepared to reach beyond your pain to overwrite it with care and concern for others.

Thank you ....... for being you ...... for being here for me ...... for caring to care ❣

Bless you.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, accidentally posted before finished, bir upset i think after talking with my son tonight (first time in 3wks) to confirm Grad plans, i had a delayed effect or trigger he told me his dad is definitely going to his Grad & with the new girlfriend & x6 of his partners family.. While it was a good conversation, I'm stressing about the x spoiling things in my head (anxiety etc), how i will manage, should i sit behind or in front or opp end of same row. Will i have a choice? Will his new woman be bitchy with me. Will i get a photo? Everyone in my life replaces me, am i that horrible? Do i have to eat with him? How can i stand tall? Anyway, guess its overthinking.

Thanks for your kindness, i can never hear 'it wasn't your fault' enough' or that someone's glad I'm around. Thank you. You need to sleep supermum/daughter! Lots on your plate atm. 💕

[Former-Member]

Crying it out. Still. Probably healing, thanks 💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

I did pick up your posts last night, and I was hoping you would respond so I would know you had heard me .....

I am so glad you have posted previously, as others have done who have lost a child, that it is very hard when it becomes a taboo subject and people don't know what to say so they go around you ...... and that you are aware that it is just as hard for us to know whether we are supporting you, or just adding to your pain ......

Tears are healing, is all I know ...... whether they are sad tears, or angry tears, or frustrated tears, or happy tears, and I am praying for happy tears around your son's graduation ❣

It is natural, I think, for worries to go cascading around in our brain, especially now that you know your ex is bringing not only his girlfriend, but also six of her family members to the graduation ..... yikes ..... that would be intimidating for anyone ...... 

I find it inconsiderate, not that I am aware of "ex-etiquette", but six seems a bit extreme, and as far as I am concerned, it is more about you and your son than any of the rest of them ..... maybe they are just really proud of his achievement and wanting to display solidarity and support in their relationships with him ...... or maybe they are intimidated by you ...... and need to hold each other's hands to face you ❣

In any case, this is where you have that bravery inside you ..... and this is a circumstance where you need to reach inside and find it ...... and put your best foot forward, in your new hair-do, and clothes of your choice (not your mother's / sister's) that you are comfortable in, and wear a beautiful mask of politeness for the day.  Don't let anything faze you ❣

You have faced up to worse things - this one has joy at its centre - and this one belongs to you ❣

Even if "the others" steal some of the lime-light, lime-light is like water ...... there is so much available. And for different reasons, that nobody can actually steal all the lime-light ...... there will be plenty there for you to have as well .... just make sure you focus on your son's achievement, not on "the others" and have your day too ❣

It has occurred to me just now that that might be one reason your son is sounding a bit moody .... the thought of having you and "the others" all there together is probably intimidating him.  Make him so proud by being polite and courteous to everyone, and presenting yourself beautifully, and wearing your joy for him like a corsage on your shoulder ..... ❣

Have you bought him a special gift ?  One of my special gifts for my kids when they have a momentous occasion is a special photo frame, so they can frame up a picture of the event .....

You can do this @Former-Member.  Thinking of you all the way .....

❤️💜💗

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, I've been meaning to ask around what would be a good gift for him. I'll look for a frame. The extra 6 people coming belong to his fiancé s family (not his father's x). They've been together for 8yrs now and become part of their family more i guess (cause i lost the plot so bad & wasn't really there for him a long while when �his sister died), but I'm glad for him God gave someone. He needed it. There's no real extended family helpful to him.

My mum was admitted to hospital today for heart problems, have to go give her a call. Dad crashed his car this week (damaged 2 others), after just getting a new restricted lisence renewed. mums so abusive with everyone - a habit she doesn't see as abnormal. Sickens me having to stay over when i travel to visit. Try to support them by phone, suggesting things supporting the two brothers to help. Mum makes it hard. Poor dad stuck in the middle. It might be time to travel again and help, face to pain and memories & being snubbed by my sister etc oh boy, don't think i can.
Gotta go.
MAYBE forget them (for a change) & focus on my one remaining child & coping myself. I don't know.

[Former-Member]

Got a parcel in the mail today from my mother - a packet of schmackos for the dog. Nothing else. She confuses me. Its her birthday next week.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member, that's lovely of you to say.  It'll be interesting to see if/when that distance develops.  I remember when she was little and I had to peel her off me.  Now I'm begging for hugs!  Things change. 

Glad you liked the model.  It sounds like you have a lot on at the moment.  Here's another hug 🙂