Thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away

[Kiera80]

Hi @Repunzel63

I haven't been in the forums for a while now as I'm trying to sort myself out still.  I have been to see a naturopath in the last few weeks and have found out a lot about myself that I didn't know before including taking the wrong medication for my anxiety.  Good grief!  I've about had it with doctors who will give you just about anything when there are other alternatives out there.  I have also downloaded some great mindfulness apps which are helping me find some peace.

Anyway, I saw your post and just wanted to make a few comments.  It's incredibly hard when you see someone you love so much going through the hardship that comes with an MI.  Borderline can be so unpredictable too and there are so many elements that can present itself as you have already seen with your daughter. 

Is your daughter on medication for the BPD?  What programs does her psychologist have her taking part in?

It's good that you have the space you need.  I also think it's important to have time away so you can keep your sanity.  Things would have been easier for me if I had been able to be away from my sibling.

I also think you need to work on putting some firmer boundaries in place.  The fact that your daughter even recognises that you are a push over is not a good thing.  Lord knows I've been there and it was true with me too.  You can't help it because you love them and you let all these things keep happening because you have their best interests at heart instead of your own.  When it comes to money I now tell my sibling that every cent has to be paid back before any more is given out.  I once had to wipe the slate clean when my sibling owed me a large amount of money and I knew I wasn't going to get it returned to me.  It doesn't work that way any more.  I have a budget that I need to try to stick to and I have explained that to my sibling.  My 'no' is now working much better.  Quite often there are requests for frivilous things that just aren't a necessity.  My money doesn't go towards those sort of requests anymore.  I always need to know what the money is being spent on and I'm always telling my sibling not to waste money on things that really aren't needed. 

One thing you can try to do is get in contact with someone you can talk to, whether it's a friend or your own counsellor and start practicing getting them to ask you for things where you can then say no and find ways to explain why you are saying no when the other person is badgering you.  It's good to get the other person to keep the pressure on while you stand firm in your decision.  Once you get some good practice at this it becomes easier to draw the line in the sand so to speak.  Sometimes I even did this with myself in the mirror and pretending to be my sibling firing questions at me was actually easier than I thought because I'd heard it all a million times before, lol.

You can be firm but also show that you love them and even if you try to find a way around something that works for both of you then that's the best thing that can happen.  They won't resent you and you will still feel okay with the outcome.  I do this a lot now with my sibling.  When a problem arises I try to be a mediator instead of a rescuer.  I will think about possible solutions and present those to my sibling.  I try to make each solution work for both of us.  If nothing does then my no will still stand. 

Another way to keep the peace is to state that you need to think things over.  So you don't have to say 'no' but you can say 'not right now, maybe later'.  It gives you some delay time, whether that's hours or even days so you can come to a decision in your own time without being constantly pestered.  Nobody can think straight when they have someone breathing down their neck.  Have you ever seen a woodpecker in action?  Constantly peck, peck, pecking.  That's what it used to be like for me when my sibling wanted something from me.  Without my 'no' boundaries that would probably still be happening.

Stay strong, keep practicing with the rules you have and look after yourself.

[Repunzel63]

Thankyou so much Kiera80. It is just such a relief to talk to people who have and are going through the same experiences.

My daughter has been put on various medications but she misused them for self harming purposes so now self medicates with Weed and compulsive spending to alleviate that feeling of emptiness. She is now facing eviction because she is 2 months behind in her rent. I cannot afford to recue her nor can her father who is living overseas. Family is angry that she has put me in this position. She got a lot of money from my family for her 18th with a view to helping her save for an overseas trip but she blew it all as well as her rent money as she lost track in her spending frenzy.

Yes I have been getting better at saying no. I get to see a psychologist for professional supervision every 3 months and used her at first in regards to my daughter but found it to be too much of a conflict with my work stuff that I was supposed to be talking about. I sought out another one but didnt really find her to be of much help as she insisted I do things that I simply couldnt. Things like call the police which for me was not an option, culturally, or living in a small rural town makes it so shameful when everyone learns your business. I am Aboriginal hence the cultural aspect. I dont have much respect or faith in the police and the way they deal with Aboriginal people due to history etc. I work as a disability advocate and have an extremely understanding and supportive boss. I also have my Aboriginal community as support and a couple of very close friends. I do however find that I tend to not tell people everything because I feel it is unfair to download some of the stuff. My sister however has been just great although she lives interstate. She has a son who has similar issues so she understands. 

My first goal to practice saying no to is her coming home. I am pushing for services to look at alternative housing for her. My biggest problem is that because the professionals see me as educated and having a lot of insight into BPD they think her being with me is the best option for my daughter. I have learnt that I have to totally open up and show them how desperate I am  and that I simply cannot have her living with me. Her case manager gave me the details of this forum in the knowledge that I was forced by my boss to take a week of work because she could see I was close to a breakdown.

I spent the whole week saying no to my daughters requests to come home after being admitted to hospital yet again after another "misuse" of things that she can get over the counter. I went to a traditional Aboriginal healing thing which while I am a bit of a skeptic of alternative things it worked a treat in terms of clearing my head of stress. My boss was very proud of me as she knew that the forced week off would have been pointless if my daughter was here! 

So to sum up yes I am learning that the importance of looking after myself first and foremost is crucial.:)

[Kiera80]

Hi @Repunzel63

I can see how much stress you are under in trying to deal with your daughter. 

Regarding the spending, I have seen my sibling go through a lot of money in a short time for really no good reason at all.  Giving them large amounts of money is not a good idea.  Sometimes I have held onto money for my sibling and given it out when really needed or if something is to be saved for.  I have to have a piece of paper where I write down the date and the amount of money coming in or taken out.  I even have made my sibling sign the entries so I can't be blamed for any imbalances should that ever come up.  Things we do.  Always cross the t's and dot the i's.

I think it's wonderful that you went to a cultural healing session and you did get something out of it so that's a big positive.  I am open to quite a few alternative therapies so long as they have a solid history behind them.  Personally I think our ancestors were much wiser than we are and we can learn a heck of a lot from their practices and healing methods.  Even some of those old wives tales you hear about have some merit to them.  You are fortunate to have your sister, your boss and your community on your side.  That is indeed a blessing. 

Your daughter does need some alternative housing if you can't have her living with you.  She then needs to have someone looking after her medication so that she is taking the correct thing at the correct dosage.  Self medicating won't get her very far.  Have you or her case manager spoken to her about getting the medication sorted out?  Is she open to taking the proper medication to help her?  How often does she see her case manager and do you feel the case manager is of help to her?

I think you should take yourself off to go and have a nice relaxing massage and spoil yourself a bit.  Every little thing helps when you are trying hard to look after your own peace of mind.

Instead of seeing a psychologist have you thought about more regular sessions for yourself with a counsellor?  You can ask your gp for a mental health plan to get some free sessions and that can then be your time to talk to someone, formulate some strategies and get some more ideas on how to look after yourself.  I recently have had regular weekly sessions and they have been really beneficial in helping me cope when things feel out of control or I don't know how to deal with something.

[ivana]

In addition to whats already been sugested,have you considered if there is someone your daughter could see to help with organisational skills?

Many 18-25 year olds can be irresponsible with money,regardless of whether they have mentail illness or not,but in your daughters case it could be that she has problems with disorganisation and disorganised thinking as a symptom of her illness.

I doubt this is something you could get help with from a mental health service but perhaps a financial planner or life coach might be able to help her keep track of her finances and improve organisational ability?

[Repunzel63]

A life coach of some sort would be ideal if I knew where and how to access one. One of the biggest issues is her tendency to not turn up for appointment or accept the help she needs. She has recently contacted an org called Front Yard who she seems to like at the moment because they seem to give her more practicle help. Maybe they can point her in the right direction. At the moment I am her life coach. I have at least gotten her to agree to give me her rent money to ensure her rent is paid but this doesnt sit well with me as she has already tried to manipulate it out of me so I read her the riot act and told her that if she tries again I will get the State Trustees to take over and she can then try to manipulate them rather than me. Ah tough love!! sigh.

[ivana]

The Frontyard place sounds like it may be a good organisation.

Dors your daughter not show up to appointments because she is irresponsible/can't be bothered or is it more that she doesn't like the people who are running those services (or their methods)?

[Repunzel63]

Its a mixture of all of the above. She starts by liking them then doesnt. She will change them like her clothes. Other times its because she is sleeping off the weed. Sometimes its the depression side that she simply cant get out of bed. Mostly she chooses to hide from her problems when the going gets too hard. She comes up with some really bizarre ideas on how to run away from her issue. Going overseas was one such idea but when I said how are you going to afford the tickets for starters the reality sets in. I think that she needs that light bulb moment to happen. Her counsellor said she is the type who will only seek help when she hits rock bottom. I sent her that ABC pod that was posted here as I felt it might help her to have that light bulb moment listening to a sufferer who has managed to recover. I also sent it to family and friends so that they have a better understanding of the condition. Interestingly my daughter is part of the HYPE program that Professor Andrew Channen heads. She agreed to participate in it because they gave her money for it. However she was extremely angry when they interigated her for 3 hrs and gave her no money so she will not do it again.

[ivana]

Your daughters feelings of anger due to "unfair trade" are valid if they suggested she would be compensated for her time and views and they ended up not paying her.

Hopefully she can decide to stop smoking weed because while it may not be the original cause of her internal emptiness it can only exascerbate it and add to the apathy and aimlessless and of course money for food,rent etc will be used on buying the weed.

It sounds like your daughter needs someone to help her with having direction/purpose in her life?

Does she have any hobbies like reading,dancing,interest in cultures etc or does she just feel internally empty and not able to get pleasure out of anything?

[Repunzel63]

Yes she has many hobbies. She is an avid reader and drawer. She had a business idea to design tattoos the type that stick on but of course it costs money to start. She has obsessions that cost money too. Going to the movies is one of her ways to calm herself down. Drawing and reading and listening to music. She knows what to do to relieve her symptoms but will choose not to. I heard her say this to the hospital psych.She is very intellegent but her emotional intellegence is very low.

Content/trigger warning

[ivana]

Hopefully that Frontyard service will be able to offer some practical help.

Lifecoaches are usually located in metropolitan areas and i think you mentioned that your in the country so it might be hard to find someone unless she/you skypes with one located in the city.