Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Determined , I was in MBT treatment for a solid 18 months through Spectrum in VIC. 

I finished treatment in perhaps 2018/2019. The effects were lasting. It’s as though I’ve been given a new brain. I no longer go down the destructive road when dealing with emotional stress. It’s like I’ve learnt a new way to think. A way others learn naturally, but I’ve needed to be explicitly taught.

So MBT was a mix of group and individual therapy. In group (the most helpful element), each person shared and we then agreed to focus on one or two points. Each person then practised mentalizing and was supported to consider different perspectives about the situation. 

Therapy was quite taxing and emotionally draining. Hence individual therapy we a chance to debrief.

I really went into therapy not believing it would make a difference. But here I am. Living life to the fullest.

All the best for you and your loved one.

[tired_sisyphus]

@DeterminedI'm very sorry for being late on responding to your check-in. I haven't been around for a bit - life got away from me. Or one could argue, I got away from life.

Won't hijack your thread by going into details, but I've read your recent tribulations. Sorry to hear but also glad to hear of the boundary-setting. Inspires me to do something.

I wish you and those close to you a good holiday season.

[Determined]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor  for the extra info,

I will see if I can find anything locally.

Not sure even on a good day darling will be willing.to make the effort unfortunately. Particually if she needs to travel at all 😕

And thanks @tired_sisyphus , Trust things are back on truck for you and family.

Things have settled here of sorts. 

Tantrums and self harm have stopped so now we just carry on like it never happened.

It helps that we have some unknowns out of the way. 

Accommodation sorted for Dad until the new year. Extra hour + added to the round trip but the best we could manage.

Christmas shopping sorted. A bit lame though. Children told us what they wanted and we have unwrapped.boxws under the tree. 

Next boggle I will get slammed with after Christmas will be school book shopping. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Determined , I’m sorry that is the case - that she is probably not willing to make the effort.

Yet this also raises some questions (from a borderline’s perspective). Is she content with her current condition? Is she aware of the implications of her behaviour? Or is life very comfortable for her at the moment? (No need to answer… I’m thinking out loud).

Why I’m asking is because for me, I was desperate for a better life. I was desperate to stop hurting my loved ones. I was desperate to stop hurting. I would’ve done anything to make the pain go away. And that’s why I traveled 4 hours for therapy. It took an entire day on a weekly basis for nearly 2 years. It also meant engaging in group therapy which i was totally against. But I did it because I wanted to stop hurting.

Unfortunately, therapy is two sided. You can give someone the best therapy, but if they are not willing to name changes then really, there will be little improvement.

Following the model of behaviour change, realisation is first, then acceptance, then a willingness to change.

BPD recovery is not dependent on a magic pill or takes a LOT of intense and hard work to battle those years of vent up emotions and unhelpful behaviours.

I hope there will one day be a true willingness. Until then, I’m sitting with you.

 Please take care and maintain those boundaries.

 From, BPDSurvivor (a borderline)

[BPDSurvivor]

@Determined , I really want to help every borderline out there. I know the pain and distress of being a borderline. 

It really breaks my heart to see the hurt not only in themselves, but what is inflicted on others.

 You are amazing @Determined . I pray your strength continues and you get some relief in due time.

[Determined]

Yet this also raises some questions (from a borderline’s perspective).

...Is she content with her current condition?

...Is she aware of the implications of her behaviour?

...Or is life very comfortable for her at the moment? (No need to answer… I’m thinking out loud).

Thanks @BPDSurvivor 

That question is actually quite helpful for me in how I interact. Not that it has never been considered, just the framing in the moment. 

...Is she content with her current condition?

She has enough insight that life is harder than it should be but that is somehow my fault

It is because she perceives me as angry all the time (I feel she flips the script and believes her feelings and actions are how l am feeling and acting).

And because we have a budget to stick to. So basically life sux because we don't have enough money.

(I am too useless to get a better job).

Despite this I believe we are doing ok.

...Is she aware of the implications of her behaviour?

I don't think so... and that is on me because for 23 years I have made allowances for behaviours and bent over backwards to smooth things over. 

So basically little consequence for darling

...Or is life very comfortable for her at the moment?

Life is far from comfortable but she is comfortable in the notion that I will never desert her. That I will always be here for her.

Again that is on me because I have enabled that. 

Short of me walking out and cutting all ties there will be no desire to change. And that is never an option. The.reaults would be devastating most of all for the children. Even if I took them with me. (That would be the only option). 

So based on those thoughts. Maybe some difficult conversations in the new year.

I need to get her Dad settled into a new home (currently transitioning from.living with us to residential age care) first. That is consuming a lot of energy. 

Hope that does not all sound roo negative

Juat a snap shot of how it is. And a lot of that is on me.

My mum in law told me very early in our marriage I needed.to bring Darlings behaviours 'into submissin'

At the time I found that concept devaluing, but I can now see it (as it was intended) in a loving context. But after so long it now seems too little too late 🥺

[BPDSurvivor]

I’m really sorry to hear how difficult it must be for you @Determined . 

I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself in my own previously-acute BPD state.

I ran away from people around me who I thought were the cause of my problems. But after realising the ‘problems’ came with me, I accepted that I was the common denominator.

I couldn’t put this on anyone else but myself. That is why I realised I myself needed to make the difference. I didn’t have a partner I could blame my issues on, but I did have people who were very close and I saw them as the root of my issues.

Of course I am not saying you should desperate from your darling. Please don’t think that at all!

I just hope working together will over time make things easier.

I don’t have time to go through the language that worked for me. But I did find I needed people to use the ‘appropriate’ language so I wouldn’t be emotionally seared.

Ill extend my response later when I have time. Gotta dash now.

[Determined]

@BPDSurvivor 

Appreciate you take the time.to help me understand how to help my Darling.

I need to change how I interact if things will change. 

Just don't know where or how  to start. 

I have started seeing a carer coa h which will be a start. I have 5/6 sessions left. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Caring for someone with BPD is so unlike the conventional @Determined .

 For me, when some told me to do something, I would see it as they were taking control away from me eg. You should…. You have to….

Rather, through therapy, I noticed how my psychologist (who was so tremendously skilled at working with people with BPD) always ‘invited’ me to do something. He would say, “I invite you this a go’. He would also say I wouldn’t have to if I didn’t want to. This meant I was in control.

 Another thing he always did when I had self harmed was not at alarmed. Rather, he’d say, ‘If you have to do it, do it safely’. When I first heard this, I was shocked because I’m so used to people flipping when I had SH’d which was very often.

 He also made sure he communicated and kept his word. If he said he was going to do something, he would no matter how much pleading it crying I did. Eg after numerous close to death incidents, he said he would organise for my medication to be taken off me. I was furious. I was angry. I was fuming. Yet he stood his ground and sent the CAT team to take my hoarded meds. He then sent them to a chemist who organised them into a Webster pack to be delivered to my house every three days. I was soooooo angry back then, but now, looking back, I am so grateful. Even now, I still have my meds delivered to my house but instead of every 3 days, it is fortnightly. Even now, I never see a script. He liases with the pharmacy directly.

In terms of dealing with trauma, he always asks if it is okay to talk about. If not, he moves onto something else. He’s taught me a lot of science behind what is happening to my brain which makes so much sense. This has enabled me to engage more with therapy.

 There’s a lot more, but these are the main things.

 Today, I am well on the way of recovery. However, I’m mindful I still need to be very proactive to maintain this stability.

As I said, I was so incredibly acute and spent nearly every weekend in hospital. Otherwise it was the police or ambulance at my door. I definitely didn’t expect to see this day alive.

[tired_sisyphus]

@Determined good to hear things have sort of settled. That's more xmas stuff than we have done - congratulations on getting it done and being thoughtful about it despite it all.