How do I help

[tyme]

Thank god she is back working. @Lostandneedhelp That is a big step in itself.

I'm saying that because for me, work was my stability. Yes, I had to mask, but it meant i had responsibility that I had to fulfil.

At the same time, masking at work ALL DAY meant I really lashed out when I came home. I was mentally so exhausted from masking that it meant my loved ones had to bear the brunt of it. Do you find that?

Have you ever asked your daughter, "Are you satisfied with how things are?" She may not have to answer you. But it'll get her thinking. Unless she is dissatisfied with herself, there's no need for change. Change takes effort.

Just hang in there. Set your boundaries. A yes is a yes and a no is a no.

[Lostandneedhelp]

@Blackbird11 @Thank you it is very helpful 

[Lostandneedhelp]

@tyme @Wow sharing is really helping me and the replies are helping me to

understand things. I never know if I am responding correctly. Sometimes when I become overwhelmed I have to pack up turn my phone off and leave for the night. Is this a bad thing to do for pwBPD. My psych says it’s ok it is taking an audience away?? 

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Hi there!

Sounds like you’re having a really tough time. I was diagnosed last year and am now 34. I definitely had to get to a place where I saw for myself how much emotional damage I was causing myself and others around me before I fully committed to the process of therapy. 

I think a painful as it was my partner setting firm boundaries for me while also reassuring me he was there for me helped me to know I wasn’t alone and he wasn’t giving up on me. 

i hope your daughter can get to a place where she’s open to start talking as that was the hardest and most painful but also only way forward. 

Also keep look after yourself!

[Lostandneedhelp]

@ray_of_sunshin3 

Thanks for your input and yes I am trying to look after myself !! 

[tyme]

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@Lostandneedhelp wrote:

Sometimes when I become overwhelmed I have to pack up turn my phone off and leave for the night. Is this a bad thing to do for pwBPD. 

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Hey @Lostandneedhelp , the above is actually the best thing to do. However, let her know beforehand. That is, when she is not heightened, let her know that the next time things escalate, you are going to turn your phone off and walk away.

Another option is that you text her and say, I'm going to turn my phone off now and I won't turn it back on until tomorrow morning. I will come see you once I'm back/up in the morning.

This way, she will know you are setting boundaries, but you are not walking away from her and abandoning her. You WILL come back to check on her. 

By doing this consistently, she will know that you are protecting yourself. It will also help her feel secure because she knows that is what you will do.

But PLEASE always let her know you are coming back (and when). 

[Blackbird11]

Hey @Lostandneedhelp 

Just checking in to see how you are doing? Are you all ok?

[Lostandneedhelp]

@Blackbird11 Thank you I had a very hard day yesterday and I will admit some dark thoughts but I got through and today is better. I am trying to focus on the positives. At least she is working I know when she comes home she lets fly at me and I try not to take it personally as I guess she has to behave all day and then let’s go!! I love having an anonymous place to share my feelings!

I get told she just needs to be hugged or she needs to be supported and that really hurts me as if I haven’t tried everything . Thanks again 

[Blackbird11]

Dark days are hard, so glad today has been better for you. Sounds heart wrenching to get the fall out of the day with her. Make sure you are looking after yourself, you are important too. Protect your mental health with appropriate boundaries. Practise your statagies and know you are worthy of self- care. 

[Lostandneedhelp]

@Blackbird11 @Had a bit of a teary then. Which is also good