Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

Yes @Hank, @Rockpool

sometimes I find it hard to find the right balance

last time while I was cooking dinner , and hubby was getting more and more anxious until he yelled I am going to the hospital and walked out

I turned the stove off , went outside and he was gone in the car

[Rockpool]

Thats alright @soul I understand take the time you need. I will check-in with you after the topic wednesday.

@Shaz51 it sounds like you can identify a bit perhaps with your childhood shaping the way you deal with conflict to a degree. It also sounds like after leaving that environment it was something you were able to reflect on.

It sounds as though we have cover some main ways of coping with conflict...those being either to avoid and withdraw from conflict or to react with angry and possibly aggression in some circumstances.

This falls into the three main communication styles, which everyone would have heard of before. These being either passive, assertive and aggressive. We have touched on passive reactions (avoidance and withdrawal) and aggressive reactions (obviously anger and any physical manifestation of anger). The difficulty with these two styles in particular is that only one persons needs are meet. The person with a passive style often has their needs overlooked and in some circumstances is not able to assert their needs and right or even expectations, whereas a more aggressive style does not allow the other persons needs to be meet and does not assist in working towards a resolution.

This is where assertive communication can be helpful in times of conflict, where you are able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs and expectations with the aim of working towards a resolution. You can still take this stance even if the other person does not have an assertive communication style. This does take time to practice and is not something that you will be able to do overnight but can be a good goal to work towards.

Does anyone have experience in trying to use assertiveness in their relationships?

[outlander]

hi @Rockpool @CherryBomb can you please removed Souls comments

[Rockpool]

Your welcome @Hank You've identified such an important thing here which is a credit to you. As you said it is a skill and just like any other skill it requires practice, so it is ok if you need to work at it.

@Shaz51 you're right sometimes finding the balance can be hard. What I'm hearing here is that you take time out when you need to process things and return to the conversation later when you need to which is a good way of managing conflict

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined, @Nerf, @Kurra, @Cookiesquish, @Aer2812, @Mazarita, @Hank, @Red2110, @Sonya76,  @Carer2750, @janedoe2,  and @Matosh

Does anyone have experience in trying to use assertiveness in their relationships?--  that is a good question @Rockpool

like to hear some tips that will help

[CherryBomb]

@outlander, Soul needs to request this because it can create issues for members to request someone else's posts.

I will email them.

[outlander]

no worries @CherryBomb they jsut asked me to ask you as coming back onto here was too overwhelming

[Shaz51]

@Rockpool, I find if hubby can tell me early what`s up , i find we can talk about it

but If he lets it go for hours , he has forgotten what started it in the first place  and it is hard to find out what started it

[Anony18]

Just a few mins before i pop into dance but wanted say that alot of these things are residing with me now @Rockpool
My partner is currently isolating me. He had a yell or we argue and then he walks away and pulls away and I don't hear from him and I chase. I think i give him adequate space as I learn to take a step back for a few days before reaching out. Currently i am confused as its been ages since we really talked. I know part reason is family issues he claims he is dealing with and stressed. So am in a rock and hard place where i want give him space and aware he might not be in right frame but at same time i need talk to him about his communication methods....so what to do or say to get him to talk?

The bit you said about family influences way you react. From what he said in past i know he has heated arguments with his mum. Or his mum has a go at him then hides in her room...maybe that's where he gets his attitude from.

[Rockpool]

Yes @Shaz51 that can be common to let things go and not address them when they arise, which brings up another important skill in conflict management, which is addressing issues as they arise. Firstly this helps to keep the issue clear and also doesnt allow for issues to build up over time. Addressing issues when they arise makes it simpler to come to a resolution and allows for the discussion to be specific about that issue.

Another common thing that happens in conflict is bringing up many issues at the one time. This makes the other person feel attacked and often raises their defenses. For this reason if issues can be addressed as they arise and kept to a single point of conflict, it allows for a more constrctive conversation when the point of conflict can be addressed and hopeful (perhaps with some compromise) a resolution can be agreed upon.