Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sunnoi]

I need advice, I've been told something that is soul crushing, will ruin a relationship and multiple other relationships.

The people that it involves are close to me and it kills me to keep it to myself. I've told no one and I know I was used as the person to unburden another with the information that now I live with daily.

And I find myself hating the person that gave me this information to live with and try to figure out what the right path is. 

I also live everyday hating myself because I haven't said anything but I know it won't end well and the person that will be hurt the most I love with all my heart and I couldn't hurt them by telling them but I also know that this person doesn't deserve this or to be walking around thinking everything is alright when it isn't. I worry if I give this person this information I'll be hated by them also for not saying something or the fact that I said something in the first place. 

[Ilovepenguins]

Hi @Sunnoi,

What an awful situation to be put in, I'm sorry that you're having to shoulder this burden. 

Have you spoken to the person who told you about this news, how it is affecting you by having to keep it a secret? 

[Blackbird11]

Hey @Sunnoi 

That sounds like hard information to bear. You need to look after you first, do what you need to do to let it go or out. You are better to have a clear conscious than to carry that heaviness around with you. Be gentle to yourself, you didn't choose this.

[myheartache]

Dear Sunnoi,

how awful that you have been put in a terrible position. I can hear your pain in your words. Do you have a therapist or someone trustworthy (and confidential) that you can discuss this with to try and work out what to do and how you can implement your decision?

I am sorry for your dilemma as it sounds like it is a big thing. Take care of yourself.

[myheartache]

this is a great idea.

[Sunnoi]

I'll just be straight out with it, it's my mother she's cheated on my Dad for years multiple people before they were married and after. She came to me one day a mess and I genuinely thought someone had died she was inconsolable, and of course my reaction was to try and help her and comfort her and then she started telling me about the times she has cheated on my Dad. I was in utter shock and in the moment I wanted to scream at her and my heart broke because I'm extremely close to my dad he is my idol my best friend. He is an incredible human and I see him and speak to him often and it kills me to be around him because he does not deserve this shit he has done nothing but support her for 31 years and I don't understand how the fuck she could do this to him. I was her release from her guilt and now I live with it in complete agony every single day. I have alot of problems with my mum and she's the kind of person that has never apologised when she's in the wrong and if I approach her about this she will deny our conversation ever took place. I don't know what to do because it will crush him and I don't know what he will do and that terrifies me in the sense that it will break him. I'm seeking professional help but I live with such guilt all day everyday.. I need others opinions do I break up a 31 year marriage. Will my Dad hate me for not telling him I'm so so scared and mentally I'm fucked up. I'm also like should I take this to the grave and spare my dad the pain. I feel like I'll be the blame for a broken family.

[Tilz]

@Sunnoi  hey i feel you❤️. its really hard to keep those secret. Specially when your dad is so close to you. I just got the idea like this. what if your mother change her mind and start living with your dad happily. will she do that? then you can burry the secret forever. If she doesn't, I think the best is to explain her that you have to tell your dad about all those things and the end will be the worst. May be she will understand it. Its just a idea. you can try in that way. 

[Sunnoi]

It's so messed up, I know it hasn't happened in years but why do it? And why put your only daughter through this, she could of used anyone else like a counsellor or priest a mental health hotline. The weight of this in unbearable and I can't lie it's not who I am I'm already an anxiety ridden mess, to me my anxiety feels like a death sentence. My mum has been hell for my dad for over 10 years and I can see he is at his breaking point. But I also know he loves her, I looked up to their marriage as a young kid and thought this is what I want and growing up and seeing the damage and its built on lies on her behalf I know this because she's been caught out in lies. Before I knew about this I told my dad to get a divorce and should of when myself and my siblings were kids would of been better off but it's not the man he is. My Dad not long after meeting my mum he rang his mum and said mum I found the girl I'm going to marry how bloody sweet is that, and it breaks my heart going back through memories I have suppressed because to open that jar for too long I'll end up in a mental institution. It goes so much deeper than What I've spoken about but this tipped me over the edge

[Sunnoi]

To bury the secret I feel like I'm betraying him and the love I have for him feels wrong because I'm keeping locked away but at the same time he doesn't deserve the pain and betrayal he would feel for wasting 30 years of his life