Welcome To The Conversation

[Appleblossom]

Hey @StanD Hope you are doing alright.

I have a splitting headache and not sure if I have fortnightly appointment with Redress counsellor this week or next??? Opened zoom meeting ... will check later??? .   Have you gotten involved with all that??  I put it off again and again, its triggering yet seems to be the right thing to do to put it all to rest???

@MDT Loving your thoughtful posts. I never had the option of asking questions much as a kid or going deep, beyond doing what everyone else wanted. It feels different to be in my current adult shoes and have more choices and education.  Re the Camus book ... there are just layers and layers about all that for me.  The actual book my brother had ... originally came from an uncle who I shared a house with who was one of the more educated people I knew.  He loved History and Philosophy and I did Class Civ cos of him and never regretted that. Though as is usually the case, he was not perfect. It was actually my aunt who was biologically related. Unfortunately he also took his life ... and then his brother ... so there really were a lot of suicides after my sister went ... I kept a portion of his books as respect of the intellectual life and I was interested... and somehow my brother got a hold of it....

[StanD]

The meaning of meaning ...

@Appleblossom I wish I had brilliant friends like you in my physical life. Not saying, many people are not brilliant - I appreciate your insights so much. 

This is both a incredible & funny. It has an answer.. & .. it makes the question irrelevant, ... a non- question. God, life is strange .... Annoying, fun, difficult, easy, .... & cannot possibly be real. My mind keeps thinking of the movie Lost Highway. 

I guess that is why I find these discussions so interesting. 

There MUST be an answer - yet it cannot exist. 

Perhaps, I'm thinking of Einstein. If he found an equation - there are more out there.

I have purchased wheels of life Apple @Former-Member thankyou. I wonder if one day, I will be able to read again, like I could when I was young.

I have not watched TV for maybe a year almost. I watched half of a movie with my friend, called Bathing Beauty (1950') Red Skeleton? I didn't like him. Maybe I am being too precious. I don't like feeling like it's ok for men to be disrespectful to women. The female lead was stunning, strong, flawless. Oh, she was vulnerable too. 

I use oil pastels for my pictures. I see protection too. More now.

Today, I have to look for a Will. (There is ongoing legalites since my ex was removed from 'his/not his' {title belongs to Trust Company} house, due to DV against me) I am being subjected to a situation where, I am living in a house, & I'm technically, homeless. If I can find this Will (in a room of 1000s paperwork) my lawyer has said it changes everything, & that she can prove I am entitled to financial recognition. It is horrible topic, & dry. I have been avoiding mentioning anything, I don't want to know about myself. Maybe, if you are reading this ... Please send me a good thought, I will find it, maybe it will be easy ?

Hope you are ok @Historylover 

Hello @TAB (roomie?) Where are you? Are you ok? 

@Kyle1 

Thankyou so much everyone 💜🌈🦄🧜🕊️

Enjoy your day.

[StanD]

I thought I was writing above post to you @MDT !

I see I forgot to tag you.

Thankyou so much for your awesome reply. I enjoyed your words. Thx.

[TAB]

okay .. good thoughts to you @StanD (roomie) thanks for sharing..

https://youtu.be/tDl3bdE3YQA

..re 'deep' and philosophising ....

[StanD]

Perfect roomie. Big thanks for good thoughts @TAB yes

[TAB]

yes, thx Edie, there's a song for every conv if have the memory for it  .. ha ha lol @StanD 

[Appleblossom]

@StanD Good to talk.   I dont know movie Lost Highway ...will look it up.

Yep Reading is not something I take for granted ... for a while I was so traumatised after marrige I could barely read more than a sentence.... gradually my concentration came back ... but still now I would  only read a book like Wheels of Life in small snippets that were relevant ... of mediate on sections of it ... I have not read it cover to cover ... just dip into it.

Oil pastels are beautiful ... maybe one day I will do a little art ... again ... put off it by my ex ... still value the healing and transformative effects of art ... there is an art therapist locally I may go to ... ????

Oooh StanD ... feeling for you re legal problems and finding a piece of paper ... hope you get housing security sorted.  

@TAB Love that link ... good new music.

@MDT Hope I did not share too much re Camus.... it is a delciate art ... treading water ... when things get too deep.   Finding solid ground again and all that.  

Cheers

Apple

[StanD]

Thankyou for your support @Appleblossom it is good to talk.

Yes it's so silly, a piece of paper to determine house security. I looked for it. I'm sweaty, hungry, exhausted. I'm over it. Sorry, this is me having small meltdown. Everything is just out of reach. Like talking to you guys on here.

I don't know. I'm complaining & I'm not. I can't get used to this silence. 

I tried to do an online food shop now - I have been putting it off for ages. The prices!!! I can't afford any of this. It's so depressing, I stopped bothering.

Sorry. I really don't understand anything at the moment. I feel stupid. 

How can this paper be so important?

Why am I alone?

Why is the clock ticking next to me so loud?

Why don't I have friends in my life? .... Or healthy food?

$1 for a 🍌!!

Anyway, only me ranting. I have no one to rant to. Maybe I should not have tagged you. A general 'vent'. 

I might have Salada s & a nap😊

Hope you are having nice day. 

[Appleblossom]

It was fine to tag me @StanD Good to talk in real time. 

Sounds like you did not find it.  I know when I NEED to find something, I tend to get extra panicky about it and often ... miss the obvious place ...seems to have something to do ... with not having stable home during childhood or often enough ... to influence confidence in storing and finding things.  Hope it is at your finger tips ... next time you have a deep dive for it.

Know what you mean about paperwork .... My ward file is on the floor right now, but even the Redress counsellor knew better than push me to open it today ... so yeah ... a little delicate ... we agreed to look at it next time.

Re onnline food ... I only did it once during Covid ... even though I might not feel social ... making myself go out and shop ... has been a good thing to do   for me socially ... now I have good relations with staff at a small supermarket in walking distance.  I do go to a variety of places to buy food ... and am trying to talk my son to come with me to go to a farmer's market one day ... I dont always like the big food guys ... but do Coles and Woolies too .. along with Aldi etc etc ...there was a homeless guy at Aldis yesterday ... and they had thermals ... so I bought some for him .. but also shared an icecream with him ... bit cold for it but felt lucky to be able to share ...

Do what you have to do re food ... I sp if feeling lazy etc...I specialise .. in odd meals at times..lol ...  starting doing things like a cob of corn ...

Take Care

Apple

[StanD]

I saw him. First time in months. Paper after paper. Hundreds or tens of thousands, I lost count. Page after page of 'insanity'. Indescribable. Sealed envelopes, inside folders, inside bags, inside bags. The words 'non sense' - at least to me. Made up words, calculations, names, columns. His mental illness, I guess? Diagnosed schizophrenia. Delusions?

I can't judge another's reality. I valued how we created our own reality that we could connect in.

Heartbreaking. 

I gave him extra space - the lines became blurred. I tried to define intention & not judge.

Without me now.

I can't comprehend. 

All I ever wanted to do was give him a small piece of life - the rest of take for granted. His family, abusive. Only child. Got in with the bad crowd, no confidence to be amongst good people. 

I saw good in him. Lots of good. Funny. Thoughtful. Romantic. Intelligent. 

I gave him space. The lines became blurred.

It was not all bad. 

A counsellor told me this. I didn't understand at the time. Now, I do.

Controlling elements, I overlooked. I was taken, & I chose to sacrifice.

All gone now. Finished. 20 years. Gone. (19)

I was 26. Didn't know a thing about schizophrenia. Entirely out of my depth. Alone. Starving for love. Now, I'm 45.

For the time we lived together - in a sense, I was held hostage. Varying factors. 

I missed out on 'normal' life. Not one friend. No family. 

If I went out anywhere, he writes question me when I got back, or ask me how long I would be. Scared to be without me.

No, I didn't find what I thought I was looking for @Appleblossom 

I don't know what I found instead. 

Compassion, maybe. A thought that, however this 'divorce battle' ends up - I don't want him to suffer. 

I don't know if my thinking is right. 

I don't know why mental illness is severely undertreated in this country.

My own mental diagnosis, overlooked for 40 years! Ohhhh, I am on the Autism Spectrum, yes, that makes sense now. 

Admittedly, I skim read your reply - sorry. I know I need to read it again. 

Thankyou for sharing with me you are having a fragile day. 

You have helped me lots today. I think of your son, too. 

Now - I have a new male friend in my life. Ohhhh My. The things I have missed! He is gentle, level headed, kind, generous. He opens the car door for me! I don't know who he is?