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Janey1
Contributor

Bpd

My partner of 5 yrs is currently in psychiatric care and has been diagnosed with bpd and has suffered depression and anxiety almost all his life. I called emergency services after he had self harmed and was talking about suicide which was very stressful for me. I’m also carrying the burden of knowing he has cheated on me recently but am struggling to find the right time to talk to him

about this because he is going through so much himself. I love him but am so hurt and am now questioning everything about our relationship and wonder if there is any hope for us.

4 REPLIES 4
nashy
Senior Contributor

Re: Bpd

Hi @Janey1 welcome and thanks so much for sharing your story with us Heart

 

Firstly you must be an incredibly strong person to hold off the chat around the cheating - this requires a lot of patience and it sounds you are a very compassionate human-being. I want to highlight whilst it's wonderful you support him with his bpd, including managing his self-harm, even mental health diagnosis doesn't mean decisions like that should be overlooked. It's definitely important you speak to him and you feel you're heard in the relationship - though I understand you wanting to time it well. There are a couple of organisations that could help link you into further info on this, one is Aus BPD Foundation and the other is Project AIR.  Depending on your state there may be more 🙂 

 

Do you have any support in your life to help you with everything that's going on, a therapist or a close friend etc?

 

The community is here to listen Heart 

Re: Bpd

Thankyou for your kind reply. I’m seeing a therapist so I have someone to talk to

My partner has BPD..looking for advice from other carers

Having a hard day today..had a brief discussion with my partner about his inappropriate relationship with another woman ..he flatly denies it and said he thinks it is time to leave the relationship.  He completely shuts downs whenever I mention anything about these relationships and is so cold and cruel to me and I am totally devastated. Shortly afterwards he speaks to me affectionately like nothing has happened and then talks about things in the future..i would like to hear from any other carers who have had a partner with similar experience..is it possible to have a relationship going forward where we can openly talk or is he going to continue to push me away and lie to me? I love him a very much and would be open to try and work through this and support him but at present I am getting nothing back from him and I am heartbroken..

Re: My partner has BPD..looking for advice from other carers

Hi Janey,

My partner has BPD and I tend to get similar responses whenever I try to raise most things that concern me. Changing the subject by any means necessary, saying it was me, Shutting down or pushing me away. Because it made me feel so invalidated and unimportant I spent a long time trying to change her behaviour or reactions. This was unhelpful and I made very little progress. So I began to focus more how and when I raised things that I knew may not be received well. This was better but sometimes, but due to the subject matter itself (anything that can seem like a failing on their part, any criticism) it often doesnt matter how I nicely I put it, even prefacing it with how its not a big deal, easy to do, i do it myself etc, I often get told I'm being mean or horrible, making a big deal out of something small etc.

I find that the only thing that constantly has a positive result is completely within my way of thinking; recognizing that it is not because they dont care or I am unimportant to them, but it is a direct result of having BPD. They act the way they do because they are protecting themselves. Setting healthy boundaries, genuinely reconising that the only person we have any amount of control over how they behave is ourselves and comprehending properly that they are struggling with something internally that strongly influences their behaviour is almost all you can do. It can take some of the sting out of their words. This can make you feel helpless, because it puts so much responsibility on his own personal awareness. It's by no means a fix, but it is the only thing i have found that is helpful

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