Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SpikeOz]

So this is new to me and after reading all of the intro guide material provided by the clinic where my sig other is currently located I have noticed an omission in regards to my perceptions or feelings. No set diagnosis has yet been made, though I suspect PTSD or Anxiety Disorder will be the tag. There are a number of descriptions of common feelings and thoughts of new carers such as Sadness, Guilt, Relief & so on but I noticed that there is not a heading covering Anger & Resentment. I wish to be honest and these emotions are present among others and it does worry me. 

I know I'll have to deal with these emotions along with others to be properly supportive and am seeking some indication that this is in the realms of commonality or at least possibility. I am checking other sites for information and advice and any pointers on where to look will be greatly appreciated.

[Appleblossom]

Yes you are right .. anger and resent are logical outcomes ..it is common .. you are just more honest.

Take care 

sorry nobody responded quicker

I couldnt read post til now .. as had my own melt down.

[Former-Member]

Hello @SpikeOz

I have just come across this post.

I too am new to the role of caring as from the point of view, I have been told that I have been a carer for many years of my adult son who does not live with me.

He is on a disability pension.

I was following through the mental health system quagmire and somehow ended up in the lap of carers australia. I was an absolute mess. Sorry I dont remember how I got there.

They have been excellent and very supportive.

Does the person you care for have a mental illness?

I might add that my sister is also the carer for my mother. She does not use any forums. She uses medication when things become all too difficult.

When I have talked to her on some of these occasions and finally managed to get out of her what has happened, i coax her into expressing how she feels. Yes anger and resentment are very prevalent as the care has gone on.

I am not going to say that I will validate your feelings as I hate that expression. I will say that I understand that you would feel that way some of the time,  most of the time, each situation is different.

I do think that you have raised a very good point. I believe that these are the deepest feelings that are brushed under the carpet, not discussed enough.

well done.

i look forward to  reading responses from others.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @SpikeOz,

This is a really important point you raise. Anger and resentment is common among carers.

I once read somewhere that these emotions are 'secondary' emotions. Meaning that they arise when other emotions and issues remain unresolved. For instance, if someone is constantly disappointed, and no change occurs to address, then they can end up angry and resentful. 

Quite often, I speak with with other carers about how they feel resentful for constantly attending to their loved needs, to the point of exhaustion and stress, while paying little attention to their own needs. This often leads to resentment too. Is this something that you can relate to?

There's one service that you might find useful, Mental Health Carers NSW. They are a specialist support service for carers, who care about/for someone with a mental illness. They may have some useful resources. 

[pip]

Hi @SpikeOz. Your feelings of anger, resentment are normal as you also possibly feel you have been 'over looked' by Dr's at the clinic where your 'partner?' is under care. Carers are frequently 'forgotten' as it is often wrongly assumed they have someone who can step in when they need 'time out'. Carers Australia, as has been mentioned, or perhaps talking to your G.P might be a good place to start. Even caring for someone with physical disabilities can be exhausting. I feel there should be more than one carer as only one constantly carrying the load gets 'jaded'.

[Former-Member]

Hi @SpikeOz

You might find this article helpful.

https://www.caring.com/articles/7-deadly-emotions-of-caregiving

Darcy

[Former-Member]

How are you going @SpikeOz?

[Louiethefly]

Hi @SpikeOz I know how you feel, it's taken me along time to acknowledge that I am my husband's carer, amongst many other things. I am often disappointed and angry- probably these more than anything else. With little support and no support close at hand, I rarely get a break and it is draining. Take the time to look after yourself and implement regularly and firmly. Start before things get too far. It is taking me a long time to set time aside to have 'me' time without the responsibility. Hope you are doing ok 🙂

[Former-Member]

How are you going @SpikeOz and @Louiethefly

[Louiethefly]

Oh hey @Former-Member
I'm doing fine. The kids and I have a cold. Bubs is teething. So no sleep and no energy- although more than hubby so I get to chop fire wood. The Dr put me back on my arthritis med. So it's up and down, we're both up and down.

On a happier note bubs turned one last week.

Not doing brilliant today. Had tilers call at 9 to say they'd be in at 11 to fix the floor. So had to mad dash clean. Hubby did try to get it for another day to give me time but I've already waited months. So I said it's fine. Got floor clean. Tilers rock up and fix most of the issues. Hubby calls later I explain what's happened. He says well if you let me make it another day it could have been cleaner and maybe they might have done more. So unfortunately I got defensive. I wasn't horrible. He seems to think I don't respect him coz I snapped. I'm just tired that he always implies I'm not good enough.