Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

[Bubbles3]

hi @Determined

thats a lot of boundaries.

but i was happy to read though your thread. and its good for you.

i wish my hubby would do things like this.

but the only thing he wishes for is for me to call him before anyone else.

[Determined]

@Bubbles3 yes it does seem like a lot but each of these boundaries are in response to areas in our life that are not healthy for either of us. I was very careful to work through these with my councillor to ensure I was being reasonable and not reactive. I am sure that sepcific boundaries would be different for each couple or family based on their needs. 

I hope that this thread might be helpful to you in some way and that you are feeling a little better. Good to see you online again. 

[Determined]

Thankyou @Appleblossom @Former-Member

I trust this may be of some benefit to you. One of my desires is that through our trials I may be able to help others. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we all do the best we can as we can. Even with the benefit of hindsight I still manage too often to do things the hard way. Working hard at resetting learned behaviours. 

[Shaz51]

A great thread . @Determined 

[Former-Member]

Hello  @Determined

Yes reminding ourselves

 that part of change..growth..learning ......is making mistakes..

hopefully with some fun time along the way

[Determined]

Things have just got a little more tricky in the determined house.

We found out yesterday afternoon that mum in law has returned cancer 😕😢

She beat cancer 2 years ago but has nt quite right since and found out yesterday it had returned in a different location. We dont know a prognosis yet as she wont see a specialist untill some time next week. I am quite concerned however.

I am quite concerned with how my darling is going to cope with this should things not turn out the way we would like...  3 years ago mum was given a prognosis of weeks to months so we believe it really is an answer to prayer (even the drs were amazed at the time) that she is still with us. I just dont have a good feeling this time. I have been  quietly concerned for some time now.... this has just confirmed my fears. 

Mum in law is an amazing lady and means so much to me, it has also triggered some memories of my dad. I am trying to gently convince my darling to spend as much time as she can with her mum as I really regret missed opportunities with my dad for similar reasons as my darling dosent spend as much time as she should with her mum.  

Darling while down about it seems to be holding together ok at the moment. It was actually me who burst into tears when we were told (thankfully out of mums sight). 

[Former-Member]

Oh @Determined ... One step at a time Bro, perhaps a few extra counselor visits to help you cope...?

[Determined]

Despite yesterday's upset I was able to achieve some self care and boundary setting today with only a small compromise.

I was called into work for an extra shift for training today and did take multiple calls from my darling but only while I was on breaks. I believe this compromise was necessary as the news about mum is so fresh and as yet I am not sure how my darling is processing it.  I also managed to keep a counselling appointment for myself this afternoon and even left work early to do so. 

In time past I would have cancelled my appointment in favor of work and when darling started calling I would have left work to go sit with her missing out on both.

We managed to discuss worries and agree to a plan of action to address some of these worries and darling was able to accept my solutions... I just have to make sure now that I keep my commitments,   this will mean saying no to any further requests untill all of these tasks are complete. 

[Former-Member]

Bro ... A gentle reminder you have got us on the forums this time round ... if needed feelings can be expressed and not bottled up ...

[Determined]

My councillor is on holidays now until March @Former-Member and thinks I am doing fine without her anyway. Even though she is one of the few that I have connected with she is not on who believes in continued care I perceived. More one to pass on skills and tools so that people can be self sufficient.   

Have a couples app end of next week, will discuss it there, she was going to do some individual work with each of us so may move some of mine forward? 

Will have at least one more appointment with current councillor in march to discuss a plan moving forward.