My wife, my hero and Complex PTSD

[Cracked73]

Hi everyone ! I am very new to all of this. My wife suffered through a terrible abusive childhood and neglected adolescent years. Her complex PTSD symtoms have started with mood swings, short tempered and in the last few years progressed into agoraphobia, severe stress, suicidal thoughts and complex PTSD.

She is my hero because she recognised it early and sought help, still managing our home and our four girls as best as she could until it became really bad. In the last year she underwent treatment twice in a clinic for a few weeks at a time, which helped her a lot. She sees her psychiatrist as regular as possible.

As the sole provider working FIFO it is hard to be there for her and give her the support she needs. When I am at home I find myself in a situation where my reactions are none helpful or supportive. I have barely any knowledge of what she is going through nor do I fully comprehend it.

So many times I feel like a child in the dark. It's hard to find any good literature for me to read and learn about it.

I hope to find other husbands out here in the hope of sharing experiences and how they dealt with their partners' PTSD.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Cracked73, and welcome to the forum

I have tagged a couple of members that might be able to help and also putting Complex PTSD in the search the forum will show other threads that will be helpful

@Sherry has a partner with PTSD.

@Littleshining1

[Former-Member]

Hello @Cracked73
There are mental health support services such as Wellways that have carer programs. They may be happy to do one-on-one psych education and give you help in relation to how to respond. I did a "snapshot" class with them 2x4 hr sessions - super helpful - some participants were only able to come for one session.

[Cracked73]

Hi Shaz51,

Thank you for your response. It gives me hope. Much appreciated.

Wishing you all the best !

[Cracked73]

Thank you Darcy. Much appreciated !

Hope it will help.Very much to my disliking I am time constraint by the work I do as Fly-In and Fly-Out worker in order to attend any support groups.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Cracked73
How are things going?

[Cracked73]

Hello @Former-Member,

Sorry for the long wait. I have been away for work and without Internet or phone connection.

Things are as always uncertain. I actually have no idea anymore if my wife loves me and wants to be with me or not. Twice she had this big talk to me about why I should leave her and why she wants me to leave her. Go figure !

Emotionally I am all out and empty. My batteries are craving a few electrons of love, appreciation and the feeling of being wanted. I am away for weeks at a time to make ends meet and she is talking about downsizing, living on less money with more time.

Money has always been a red flag for me in our relationship. She talks about be savvy with money and tries different things but still does all the dumb things like a deprived teenager. Spending big on our kids for things that are not necessary (eg. contract telstra mobile phone for $129/month without talking to me, changing to NBN when it wasn't necessary[was supposedly making it cheaper], etc.)

All I can do is trying to chase money as much as I can to pay for credit cards, medical costs, etc.

I have given up on getting upset about it. Funny thing is, it's all  and always my fault. I am burnt out and just don't care anymore. All I care is my kids. My only reason why I am still where I am and still have hope for our relationship. Even though it is running out. I find myself torn between doing the right thing for my family and doing the right thing for the human being in me.

I look for answers in the bible, I pray to god, asking for enlightenment, I read the books and ponder the mother of all questions: Is pure selfishness self-preservation?

Sure, I do exercise self-care(a word I slowly get tired off), yet after two years plus I wonder how much longer I can keep up with it all. I can't change anything that happened to my wife. Wish I could.

Love is a philosophical constant in the equation of the universe. I failed maths, my bad !

Enough of my rant. I hope you are in much better shape and the universe smiles upon you.

Gods blessings !

[Former-Member]

@Cracked73

Am hearing you Bro, no we cannot change what has happened in our loved ones lives but we can show love and gentleness, this does not mean we agree with everything they say and do.

Self care does involve respectful boundaries and this includes all areas of life including finances - wearing yourself down to pay for indulgences is not love.

A couple of suggestions, the first one has worked so well for us - we no longer have credit cards.

Perhaps next time Mrs C brings up finances you could suggest that to enable you to better manage funds as she would like, could she write down a list of all outgoing expenses based off last 12 months bills, better still, do this together. Add them up for the year, divide by number of pays and you will see where you are at. You get and then ask her to suggest where you can economise (she might work out for herself that phones costing too much).

We did this and as a result divvy my pay into various accounts - one of which is a bills account which gets enough for all documented bills (most are direct debits) come out of this and we are never short to pay expected bills. We stopped using our credit cards and paid them off - think of rewards you can give yourselves if you do this.

I don't know what is reasonable pocket money is these days but I know some parents do a direct payment to their kids accounts, perhaps doing this and expecting them to pay for their own phones out of this allowance may mean they have to opt for a cheaper plan (even if it means wearing the penalty). This can be done in a loving way ie empowering them to be responsible but of course, firmness is required if they run short of funds.

Darcy

[Janna]

Hi @Cracked73

I am a survivor of childhood trauma and abuse and was diagnosed with C-PTSD some years back.  The good news is that C-PTSD is very treatable, however,  the journey to healing from past trauma is a very long one.  I believe the key to overcoming C-PTSD is getting a good trauma informed psychotherapist who can work together with your wife.  Not all psychologists have the necessary knowledge and skills required to treat trauma survivors which is why it is essential that you find one that is well informed and experienced.  The Blue Knot Foundation is an organisation specialising supporting survivors of childhood trauma and abuse.  They have free phone counselling available with very good trauma informed counsellors which your wife may find useful.  Additionally, they also have some good written material available on their website and their service extends to family and friends of survivors.  You may wish to talk to a counsellor there about the problems you are facing with your wife.  Here's a link to get you started https://www.blueknot.org.au

I'm so sorry to hear that this is impacting so greatly on you.  As a partner of someone suffering with C-PTSD the best advice I can give you is to give your wife loads of validation & acknowledge her pain.  If you have time it may also be worth reading up about how childhood trauma affects the brain or watching some YouTube videos on the subject.  The more you can understand how/why your wife behaves/reacts in the way she does, the greater your ability to manage her and your reactions. If your wife's trauma involved abusive behaviour it is not uncommon for survivors to recreate the same dynamics in their adult life and repeat the trauma that originally wounded them - this phenomenon is well worth reading up on as well so that you better understand why she does what she does.

I also sense that there are a few things happening (e.g. the finances) that are not entirely related to her mental health condition, as I don't believe this is a direct symptom of C-PTSD.  You may want to consider relationship counselling to tackle this one before you burn out completely.  I see that you are a hard worker striving to make ends meet and feel very unappreciated.  This is not sustainable over the long term, as you already know, and if you want to save your marriage then this needs to be addressed as a separate issue.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Cracked73]

Dear @Janna,

Thanks so much for your reply. My wife is in care with a very good psychiatrist. She was in  hospital for treatment twice over the last year and is doing better. I do appreciate your honesty and advice. It has given me hope. 

Thank you Janna